Back again

with nothing to say though i feel i must update the world, mind compelling me to talk and wanting everyone else to shut up yet i do not know what  to say… my cousoler wants me to write again, start at a writers group in barnes n noble or some coperate run of the mill individuals like that… i dunno, sounds intriguing yet i think nausiating as well… she also said mitch lied, letting me on like he did, knowing he had a baby mama and still telling me i should respect myself enough to let go of all my play boys and i did, but for why she asked, so he could be the only one talking advantage of me? i never looked at him like that, it kinda broke my heart a little…. not that i beleived for one second i had let him into my heart, but then again, whos lying now?… so now i have to get blood work done at the doctor, will be a good looking kid if thats what comes to light, i’ll give him that… ya know what i betcha i wouldn’t even like him now, i mean he always did look the sextest to me all strung out and sweaty and sunkin in…. hes beginning to fill out again and worries about his dad and repairing his marraige and his kids and work and definately not me…. wish he coulda been a prince charming though, ya know…. there is a new one again. and again i’ll tell you this one’s differant, still keeping close to my age bracket though, so thats good… so how is he differant you ask, well he says all the right things at all the right times, he doesn’t think im broken, well ok i told him i was and he said thats okay hes a bit broke himself and it still doesn’t make him think of me any less… i think somedays i’m having a mental breakdown [... i'm headed for a break down and i dunno why, im not crazy im just a little unwell right now i know you cant tell, but soon enoughh ya gonna think of me and how i used to be....] speaking of that I was talking about my mother the other day as well and ya know i really thought i had gotton over all the crap she put me through as a child and now im kinda wondering if i merely justified it in my head, telling  myself she was only doing what she knew best and well i proboably would be just as selfish too, looking at how hard she worked and how little she had back then…. but ya know i thought i was over the anger of it all, today i feel like i am my father child and always will be and thats all there is, my gradparents raised me more than anything really but they are not around anymore either… i want to make so many amends to mitch too but i just dont feel like i have the right to bother him with me right now either…. sigh… im gonna try n type a fiction now… more lata

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~ by lostwidow on 2009/01/15.