Lost Widow Words

Said I was afraid of Mitch

lostwidow — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 03:01:56 +0000

so I was reading my last post and yea I still pretty much feel liek that biut the thing is I had someone say to me the other day… I probabaly keep seeing visions of him bc I;m afraid of running into him and then my mind screams… I aint afraid of fucking mitch crawfors that goddammed fuckup self serviing sorry excuse for a spine… but then later I think God… what if I am afriad of him? and then I really begin to fear…

Posted in life, men

did i really love him?

lostwidow — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 22:29:19 +0000

Swimming out from the depths of my own distruction, I was not able to save him, even by surrendering all sense of self, matireal and emotional… but i will not anymore, and I told him too…

sadly this time I think the letting go of the chemicals will be more difficult than the letting go of the man… and I had such high expectations for him too… even for a possible “us” and truely thought I was being realistic… oh he played the game well for a bit… maybe he is a better hustler than I give him credit for, but then again, he let his game show….

Casey had more then just me convinced that I was his leading lady, an diddint forget about that for a sec… Sure I knew in the back of my mind no man could really be that enamored with one woman…. not in reality, but then again I didn’t have to live in reality with him…

maybe that is where my dissapointment lies in more than I realize… maybe this one I expected to get a better run out of, better sex from, better high and more constant… but none of these prevailed… perhaps this man didn’t let me down at all, but rather my expectations…. could my junky self really be working this hard in the background?

I call it my demons… I think they’ve always been there… since I was small even, like a spiritual flaw I inherited from my father’s gene… but then again, my mother always said God wouldn’t give such challenges to people who wern’t worthy of being conditioned to be in His holy army…

admittedly, I never liked this explinations and the implications it makes about God, but I did hear a differant verson of this notion the other day… something like, the devil does not want to turn the weak and easily suaded… those are easy to get on his side, and ya know what they say about easy… no, satan wants to turn those that are strong fighters, filled souls, deep hearted… imagine if he had an army of evil spreading fighters like that on his team….

i have more, but must check on job listings, this is the real world after all

Posted in drugs, men

Dear God

lostwidow — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 03:30:16 +0000

please continue to help Mitch.
I pray that your will is for him not to go to prison.
I pray that your will is for me to help him someway with living arrangements.
I pray that your will for him is for him to be near his children as they grow up,
not only for their sake, but for his.
I know that you are infinite in knowledge of each of us before we were ever created
and that all paths aimed for you have turns that eventually lead to the greater good,
but I implore you, Lord he as suffered so much already,
please allow this struggle to be prison free and children near.
I feel I have a chance to actively work as your servant in this time, Lord…
Help guide me to be in the right and algin myself with your will,
so that I may be of use to my dear friend.
This I humbly ask in your name- Amen

Dear God,
Thank you for my life and the chance to re align myself with your will.
Thank you for giving me a partner to build my communication and trust.
Thank you for the increasing distaste towards using drugs and drug dealers.
Thank you for giving me friends who will call regardless of the choices I make.
Thank you for my vehicle and being able to help so many people through its use.
Thank you for a warm safe home with food, blankets, hot water, radio, and my cat…

Posted in religon

telephone…

lostwidow — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 01:06:36 +0000

how is it that a telephone can ring and you know he knows you are at work
how is it a telephone can ring and he says there was a message but there is not

how is it you can tell him you get paid in tow days and then he gets dissapointed saying,
then why did you make it sound like you were getting it right away

——————————————————————————————————————————

how is it that you want to be so mad at him b/c you can tell by his voice what he’s been doing,
yet ou are just so trhrilled at the notion it was him calling, even if there is no proof

how is it that you just don’t want to help him one more time
yet you know you already will or else you wouldn’t of offered to inform of your nex payday

——————————————————————————————————————————-

connections… are the a return of enery sent out in the world, hitting and bouncing a round
but yet are some connections are just so frequent that thier path becomes routed
and the energy is returned more quickly than you would think

connections… are they a better recalled the more times they are made and
therefore maybe more desired for or more comfortable to recommect to a fammiliar

connections… maybe jus coincidence… or is it god?

———————————————————————————————————————————–

He has attepmted to beclose to god, in fact can call me out when i am healthy but spiritually sick
while he himself is deathly sick and yet spiritually fit… does this even make sense?

Posted in Death

He asked

lostwidow — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 17:28:13 +0000

what do you like? and I couldn’t answer… he made me shy somehow. Dare I speak my dirty little secrets to a man I had just met? but then again I had told him so much other stuff… and he always laughs, I think I gotta take that as he thinks what i say is cute, or makes him happy or something, but i almost always tell him ‘ its not funny! don’t laugh at me!’ Maybe I really am as self-conscious as he thinks I am… hmmm….

so.

I’ve always been excited by the idea of loud throaty sounds i can make a man succumb to…

a clasped hand on the side of my face pushing me up into a kiss…

a bite at the nape of my neck when the intensity of pelvic bones pressed together becomes euphoric…

seeing the viens of my lovers neck pulsing in rythem of his stroke as i bury my face into him…

sweat dripping off a brow bone onto my flesh as our bodies slide against the heat…

but also

the touch of rough fingertips gliding gently over the hidden creases of my skin…

whispers of emotion as lips glance across an earlobe…

slow smooth gliding just to feel my body wrapped around his shaft…

smiles into sparkling eyes after a soft probing kiss….

arms wrapped in a desperate embrace, almost clutching but more so feeling…

the sounds of breathing in my ear as my head rests on his chest, listening to the calm beat of his heart…

can i be an animal in the bedroom? of course and that’s hot and sexy and fulfilling, but also i am a female who likes to be touched like a lady, to feel the connection and just get lost in lazy loveliness discovering my lover for who he is too.

Posted in life, Sex Tagged: desire, emotions, honesty, real-life, Sex, the boy next door

Feb 16 09 3:16a~

lostwidow — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 09:16:51 +0000

I awoke w a start 10 min ago~
My body said yes but my mind said no~
A piercing in the back of arm then a pause for my veins~
A waiting for my body to get warm again~
Good god another shot for me? But i haven’t done that shit for over 7 mos see~
So then i sat, this body tease attacking me~
And my head began to shrink~
An all i could do was think~
Please god, not like this~
Please god don’t take away Mitch~
An then the muscle aches began~
Like I had been shooting for days again~
Another piercing, this one in the back of my thigh~
An all i could do was sit on my bed, rock and cry~
Doesn’t he know this is how my husband died~
I grabbed my phone, to call and say i love you~
Not wanting to let another go to bed without hearing it too~
Please god, not two for two~
You know they say it was I who killed my heart that night~
But really I just couldn’t make it right~
That’s the worst thing about this life~
I am powerless over who chooses to fight~
but i keep on loving no matter what they do~
because darlings i understand i am just like you~

Posted in life

Back again

lostwidow — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 21:39:28 +0000

with nothing to say though i feel i must update the world, mind compelling me to talk and wanting everyone else to shut up yet i do not know what to say… my cousoler wants me to write again, start at a writers group in barnes n noble or some coperate run of the mill individuals like that… i dunno, sounds intriguing yet i think nausiating as well… she also said mitch lied, letting me on like he did, knowing he had a baby mama and still telling me i should respect myself enough to let go of all my play boys and i did, but for why she asked, so he could be the only one talking advantage of me? i never looked at him like that, it kinda broke my heart a little…. not that i beleived for one second i had let him into my heart, but then again, whos lying now?… so now i have to get blood work done at the doctor, will be a good looking kid if thats what comes to light, i’ll give him that… ya know what i betcha i wouldn’t even like him now, i mean he always did look the sextest to me all strung out and sweaty and sunkin in…. hes beginning to fill out again and worries about his dad and repairing his marraige and his kids and work and definately not me…. wish he coulda been a prince charming though, ya know…. there is a new one again. and again i’ll tell you this one’s differant, still keeping close to my age bracket though, so thats good… so how is he differant you ask, well he says all the right things at all the right times, he doesn’t think im broken, well ok i told him i was and he said thats okay hes a bit broke himself and it still doesn’t make him think of me any less… i think somedays i’m having a mental breakdown [... i'm headed for a break down and i dunno why, im not crazy im just a little unwell right now i know you cant tell, but soon enoughh ya gonna think of me and how i used to be....] speaking of that I was talking about my mother the other day as well and ya know i really thought i had gotton over all the crap she put me through as a child and now im kinda wondering if i merely justified it in my head, telling myself she was only doing what she knew best and well i proboably would be just as selfish too, looking at how hard she worked and how little she had back then…. but ya know i thought i was over the anger of it all, today i feel like i am my father child and always will be and thats all there is, my gradparents raised me more than anything really but they are not around anymore either… i want to make so many amends to mitch too but i just dont feel like i have the right to bother him with me right now either…. sigh… im gonna try n type a fiction now… more lata

Posted in life

wednesday woes

lostwidow — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:29:05 +0000

why not leave him alone anyways
end one relationship on a positive
that would be a good differant…
everything happens for a reason

but i still meant every word of it
can’t even feel that mood anymore now
he laid in my virgin bed with his workboots on

God’s will not ours
my plants dying
he’s still married
our P.O. said no

yet my sick mind kinda likes that

Posted in Death

Funni thing is

lostwidow — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 20:21:14 +0000

i really am not tripping, or obsessing even… which is strange b/c as much as he told me about not tripping, i was sure i would, after all, he’s had me pegged from day one… maybe i am changing, of course i did sleep with a married man [i slept with a married man! omg! what the fuck am i doing?]

Funni thing is we talk about everything, from cooking to sex to our dads to work to recovery to living arragments, yet i over heard him talking and he said his dad’s name is mark [i think he did, anyway] and i wanted to ask him about it, but i said nothing…

funni thing is, he always blasts me with the truth which is great for me and one of the reasons i crave our weekly talks, and last night we talked for an hour or more and then he started a fire and i thought about christmas stalkings over the mantle and i almost cried… i never come to tears in front of everyone, but i didn’t feel the usual dread over ‘omg- im bout to cry infornt of someone….’

funni thing is, i took two showers since this morning and i still smell liek him and yet it is not driving me increaddably horney and diviant, but more like a comforting breeze that floats by….

funni thing is, as comfortable and relaxed as i was all night, i could only dream of is mother walking in on us, yet the dream wasn’t making me anxious, it was more like a small humor, mixed with – acceptance of being busted, and while she was shocked, she wasnt upset or there wasn’t a tense feeling in the dream…

funni thing is, neither of us was weird the next morning, not that i could detect yet though, and really… its quite nice =]

Posted in Sex

he said

lostwidow — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 03:33:15 +0000

so many things to me, and then he kissed me, but still i listened to him. I heard his words and his voice over and over in my mind, trying to sleep the night before court. But all i could feel was his hips pressed againt mine, hands clasped around my waist so tight holding me against him. my mind can see the close-up of his frayed jeans between my fingers, though I pretty sure my eyes were closed the whole time. “wind-shield time” “not gonna co-sign your bullshit” “well, there you go, fuck it, lets just go get high, that’ll solve everything!” “the year you’ll loose from your kids is really so much more time than you think, but you know that” “maybe sanity isn’t just peace of mind, maybe its just not doing the same thing over again, cause you know the definition of insanity, dont you?” yeah, he’s got the words to give me, but then again so does anyone who’s been in and out of the program as many tmes as he has… and we’ve talked to death the heavyier con vs pro side of getting into a relationship right now, so why why why did i kiss him again, and again and… an hour passed in his father truck last night, while we were necking and i could see the brightly colored childseat in the backseat out of the corner of my eye… but that was yestrday and today i have only less than 2 hours to deal with bullshit. maybe i should pray more. i dont know why i associaye trust with letting a guy get some from me and then getting all offended when that “trust” is severed. HA!

tonight he said to me” you we’re right, this,[us thing] is fucking my brain up, i mean i am still married and i’m feeling bad and i dont know, ya know, i think i can’t messing around with anything at all, right now, so…” I always looked into his eyes at somepoint, eveytime he’s said something to me, but tonight i could not. i just got up and pretended i wasn’t listening as i walked from the table. and i felt justified in doing that! but really now i feel kinda bad, and i wanna be mad but i cannot. He’s been a friend first and foremost.

“what i really need to do is…” go water my effing plant and stop worring about boys.

Posted in life, wisdom Tagged: mitch