I get so mad over little things I have no control over but seem blatantly simple for the other person to do whatever it is I’m expecting. In your case it has always been expecting a return phone call… especially since I made a final decision about following through with my most recent commitment. Despite the conflict of feeling scared of the unknown, I must move away from selfish preferences and recent companions. For at least once in my life I so wanted not to disappear but to face you- explaining reasons, conveying remorse, lessening hurt, seeking understanding, considering another -for my need to disassociate in order to grow. (My immediate automatic fascination for learning and experiencing you and your uncommon existence has encompassed and overwhelmed me.)
Since I was a child I excised without consideration of my surroundings. I lived in exploration of tiny life details that kept my mind and body busy following the fascination at hand. Grandma and grandpa Duncan saw my intense knowledge seeking and would lead me to places, subjects, and media that most wouldn’t appreciate or take time to consider. I loved my life then. I reciprocated with newfound discoveries when I wasn’t lost in exploration.
As I grew older though, my difference in nature was pointed out by colleges as a trait undesirable. With no self publicizing whatsoever, I was still noticed and subsequently avoided. Any interaction that did occur with my peers was them mocking these differences. Well almost all, Lisa, Karen, and Sarah (especially Sarah…)were the few bold enough to befriend the new student and decided I could remain within their worlds as well. Because of these few women disapproval from others faded into the backgrounds of my awareness. (n one the less, the now quieted negative input still had the great effect on my personal acceptance like mantras repeatedly whispered into a dormant ear.)…
I went back into my early self suppressing as many external tells as I could. This internal time was not spent of discovering my present world. Now I took time to create lands and places and stories and false endings to probable experiences. Now I had the explorers joy again of new possibilities- now with the ability to conjure and direct them as I pleased. It was true and complete disassociation from the negative presence and her beings.
I have continued pursuit of all possibly anticipated negative interactions. I think I seek people who have also unpublished some traits, (indicating our likeness) I find these few live in a world self-directed and adventure-sought as I do. These men have become my new distraction of seeking knowledge. I observe then approach in a manner I have concluded will be of pleasing interest to him. Once slipped inside this newfound place, longing for a tangible human connection, is pleasantly fulfilled. Once again,I make sure none of my individualities emerge and cause possible disruption to the bliss of being seen and yet accepted/desired, causing me to dream of the forever joy I could ensure never fades. Again I analyze, observe, and act in a manner to keep up congruity and keep down disruptions.
The problem with other world creations is THEY posses the ability to conjure and direct them as they please. This creates conflict my calculated path to forever joy. I am now one of the two here (despite my sneaking access into your land) justify and assume my equal directors voice. Eventually this conflict -busy efforts to retain self and others’ desires simultaneously- causes such deep mindful dismay and physical exhaustion I turn to my self with the bottom line- You cannot direct another world and you cannot exist disassociated from self. (Flee quickly and quietly back to Homebase for recovery…. there I recollect the initial lesson-
COMBINE individual seeking and shared discoveries to create the greatest joy.
I have recently accepted the following:
I exist neutrally without pursuit of or adventures in other lands.
Existing out loud with acceptance is possible. (circa Duncans)
considering and including BOTH internal and external influence and experiences.
Directions to Homebase aren’t predetermined but your path is being watched over.
Forced effort recoils yet necessary effort builds
Tangible Existence is already conjured yet the ability to self-direct remains.
working conclusion: ongoing discovery will be required for ongoing existence.
Still learning to accept that “perseverance ensues” despite facts that:
Data is infinite (and therefore)
initial conclusions are not concrete (resulting in)
no teachers edition available for discovery