Changes

•2017/04/20 • Comments Off on Changes

Nothing changes
If everything remains the same,
Which my brain must always be assuming
It’s goning to happen,
I realized
On the bus today

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Dark

•2017/03/17 • Comments Off on Dark

Negros grow strong in the dark
Their eyes shining
Their teeth gleaming
Not being shut until
Our justice is brought to light

Time Will Tell

•2017/02/16 • Comments Off on Time Will Tell

You’ve never led me on
but you’ll never let me go
and my brain’s always running our moments
(without me asking for them)
so
I wonder if our paths will ever come to cross again
or if you’ll remain forever, just a dreamers friend?

Speaking Up 020617

•2017/02/06 • Comments Off on Speaking Up 020617

First I am a daughter

And then I am someone’s sister

And then I am someone with psychosis

And then I am someone’s teacher

And then I am a homeless drug addict

And then I write poems

I write poems for me

Hurting, I write poems so I don’t inflict pain on me

Healing, I write poems so I don’t inflict pain on others

Hoping, I write poems so I can grow strong again

Hesitantly, I write poems so I can speak strength to others

And then I get sick again

So now I’m writing a poem for you

Which I’ve really never done before

But a mind like mine makes no sense-

It can truly drive myself into internal madness

This is how it is…

I am disgusted by the one-upping, while desperately seeking likeability via conformity, too busy being important for deep human connection, the white collar world pursues

(Thus my aversion of ingesting government regulated chemicals whose aim is to keep my mind at an acceptable status-quo level of possessing)

And I am disgusted by the nonchalant parenting, beer belly growing, dirty nail showing, inappropriate volumed talking, good, ol’ boy living of the blue collar types also

(Thus my leave of absence from my marriage with my children- both under 5 years old- to Mexico, which lead to disallowment of further parental rights)

I am inspired by those that the world turns their nose up to, as they continue to pursue their own path no matter what. So long as they do it peacefully. But not those who do so to the point to create disruption in the world, because after all, isn’t there enough of that?

Yet in the same turn, I am sooo turned off by those who lack the gumption to speak up for themselves. After all, how will anything change if one doesn’t take a step in a different direction?

(That’s how I end up in the ER so much,
I have a big mouth, but I won’t raise a fist to anyone)

But I can always write poems

On the days the radio broadcasts instructions in my ear
I sit in my bed a listen to the static words and feel no fear
I don’t drive my car all night trying to solve where they say I should go
I’m better now; I can do other things like listen to the hum of my machine when I sew

Sometimes if I’m too down I won’t go outside day after day
Then I start to get paranoid and feel it’s too dangerous for me to stray
People will notice because I won’t emerge to smoke or even to eat
And I’ll have to go to the hospital wrapped in my safe blanket to even get me out in the street

It’s funny though the way my mind can react to the sun
All I want is just one day to be done with medicine
And yet have a home I can always return to, no matter what
And my mind will finally be free, so I can exist as the true me

But there always remains one little glitch in there, it’s true
That whispering… …”Why am I not like you?”

“with Psychosis” 012517

•2017/01/25 • Comments Off on “with Psychosis” 012517

Do you know who the Mental Health People are?
The ones watching us who go astray?
They can only be detected by our enlightened mind-
On those days when the radio broadcasts instructions
And I know better than to be seen by The Public.
So I travel after dark, free in the moonlight.
Do YOU know who the Mental Health People are?

Phone Call

•2016/11/17 • Comments Off on Phone Call

I get so mad over little things I have no control over but seem blatantly simple for the other person to do whatever it is I’m expecting. In your case it has always been expecting a return phone call… especially since I made a final decision about following through with my most recent commitment. Despite the conflict of feeling scared of the unknown, I must move away from selfish preferences and recent companions. For at least once in my life I so wanted not to disappear but to face you- explaining reasons, conveying remorse, lessening hurt, seeking understanding, considering another -for my need to disassociate in order to grow. (My immediate automatic fascination for learning and experiencing you and your uncommon existence has encompassed and overwhelmed me.)

Since I was a child I excised without consideration of my surroundings. I lived in exploration of tiny life details that kept my mind and body busy following the fascination at hand. Grandma and grandpa Duncan saw my intense knowledge seeking and would lead me to places, subjects, and media that most wouldn’t appreciate or take time to consider. I loved my life then. I reciprocated with newfound discoveries when I wasn’t lost in exploration.
As I grew older though, my difference in nature was pointed out by colleges as a trait undesirable. With no self publicizing whatsoever, I was still noticed and subsequently avoided. Any interaction that did occur with my peers was them mocking these differences. Well almost all, Lisa, Karen, and Sarah (especially Sarah…)were the few bold enough to befriend the new student and decided I could remain within their worlds as well. Because of these few women disapproval from others faded into the backgrounds of my awareness. (n one the less, the now quieted negative input still had the great effect on my personal acceptance like mantras repeatedly whispered into a dormant ear.)…
I went back into my early self suppressing as many external tells as I could. This internal time was not spent of discovering my present world. Now I took time to create lands and places and stories and false endings to probable experiences. Now I had the explorers joy again of new possibilities- now with the ability to conjure and direct them as I pleased. It was true and complete disassociation from the negative presence and her beings.
I have continued pursuit of all possibly anticipated negative interactions. I think I seek people who have also unpublished some traits, (indicating our likeness) I find these few live in a world self-directed and adventure-sought as I do. These men have become my new distraction of seeking knowledge. I observe then approach in a manner I have concluded will be of pleasing interest to him. Once slipped inside this newfound place, longing for a tangible human connection, is pleasantly fulfilled. Once again,I make sure none of my individualities emerge and cause possible disruption to the bliss of being seen and yet accepted/desired, causing me to dream of the forever joy I could ensure never fades. Again I analyze, observe, and act in a manner to keep up congruity and keep down disruptions.
The problem with other world creations is THEY posses the ability to conjure and direct them as they please. This creates conflict my calculated path to forever joy. I am now one of the two here (despite my sneaking access into your land) justify and assume my equal directors voice. Eventually this conflict -busy efforts to retain self and others’ desires simultaneously- causes such deep mindful dismay and physical exhaustion I turn to my self with the bottom line- You cannot direct another world and you cannot exist disassociated from self. (Flee quickly and quietly back to Homebase for recovery…. there I recollect the initial lesson-
COMBINE individual seeking and shared discoveries to create the greatest joy.

I have recently accepted the following:
I exist neutrally without pursuit of or adventures in other lands.
Existing out loud with acceptance is possible. (circa Duncans)
Tangible Existence(REALITY):
considering and including BOTH internal and external influence and experiences.
Directions to Homebase aren’t predetermined but your path is being watched over.
Forced effort recoils yet necessary effort builds
Tangible Existence is already conjured yet the ability to self-direct remains.

working conclusion: ongoing discovery will be required for ongoing existence.

Still learning to accept that “perseverance ensues” despite facts that:
Data is infinite (and therefore)
initial conclusions are not concrete (resulting in)

no teachers edition available for discovery
.

Cowboy 081916

•2016/08/19 • Comments Off on Cowboy 081916

I met a man once

who’s been rollin’ smokes since the age of nine.

Growin’ his hair out

for some charity, rusted brown, wavy, fine.

 

He worked

in the bowels of the oldest theatre in town.

All absurd requests

queries for aide, he could never turn down.

 

Seldom spoken

but built-up real loud, tall, and sculpted lean.

Boy scout soul

could narrow eyes dimming a face most fiercest mean.

 

And any mention

of heart, soul, lasting lover, he grows busy – divert.

Backdoor patrons

once called upon Cowboy but I, I knew him as Calvert.

 
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