dream blog 2020

•2020/07/27 • Comments Off on dream blog 2020

72720

i had a dream with my grandpa in it this morning. I was a teenager and I was cleaning out the fridge in the house on Fairview Lane, and working on something with my phone. The Tupperware I used were the same I have today. at one point i had to crawl on the shelf to reach the end of the row of containers as they went all the way to the back wall, there were cookies, eggs, and about 6 more containers. I delayed making the call, putting grandma and grandpa on hold, as I feinged calling- just enough time to finish organizing my side of the fridge. i crawled out, pushing to door open from the inside and then went to the living room where grandpa was. He was preparing to leave. i wanted to go with but he shook his head. I pleaded with him to know where he was going but he said nothing just smiled, i decided to ask then. “Are you going to get ice cream?” I smiled in a sing-song voice. Finally he spoke- “Nooo”, he half laughed. “Where then?” i pleaded again. He replied earnestly… “well, i wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings-” end scene

who “Tne Mental Health People” are

•2018/10/04 • Comments Off on who “Tne Mental Health People” are

so far in my life I think I have written 2 poems kinda relating to my mind splitting or thinking I got it figured out about what happens when I flip poles and the strangers that seeing inadvertantly kept me on my course…

Recently Ive come to the conclusion that this possibly-perceived “paranoia” about “the Mental Health People” actually isn’t what I’d call them now. I’m beginning to feel less like there are certain people watching me and more like signs from my HPGod. I see cohesion and connectivity among the living beings and things of this planet as some kind of “Divinely Purposed” network. AND i am learning not to fear and hide away from these personal times of heightened awareness (times when I’m on the manic pole) but rather to slow down, sit down, or just take a moment to pause and really observe what I am actually seeing and hearing BEFORE i decide to quickly disregard or if I want to linger/listen to this “Paul Harvey Moment.”

This new approach of mindfulness packed with patience has been a bit nerve-racking, a little scary, but also leaves me feeling like I did something brave for myself and my acclimation to feeling safe in the world on my own. Not to mention, as I often find in these moments of pausing, the person or thing is giving me a piece of their personal history… world of storytellers… story telling saves lives… not just being a story giver but also now able to be a story receiver… which is good for me… kinda-

Coming out of childhood I had a strong sense of safety and good intention from 30s something men (several which I consorted with during my moms dating years) AND  older grey haired couples (influence from living and spending so much time with my grandparents and their friends- intensely through to the age of 17) Therefore, when I first started finding myself either pushed or dumped into the “cold, unforgiving world” I would gravitate towards men in their 30s or older married couples as a resource to provide my basic needs AND THIS practice lead to being led astray a way too many times….

Still cautious, still careful, still turning my back on disregardable messages…. but NOT running, hiding, obsessing over”signs” that keep me woke to all hours of the night… jst pause, stop, still, listen (TRUST/FAITH HPGod)

Retro Love Fuck

•2017/11/29 • Comments Off on Retro Love Fuck

The first thing I ever wrote in 2008 is still my favorite in 2017

“I’m still avoiding things, like feelings, emotions, gut instincts, and everything that would qualify me as female, or a girl anyways. I cannot be a girl now, shit! I’m almost 30 yrs old- never wanted to be one anyways, i used to wish i was a boy when i was young. but he made me his lady and i bought him a house. He loved me like a forbidden pomegranate running red off his chin, sticky and staining his heart, so I took him to Mexico to live forever, we only lasted a month as we couldn’t find a house. He was the most not worthy of me to speak to preppy boy i dreamed about in high school, and he stopped to talk to me, to wash dishes together after hours and laugh and bitch together, so i slipped him the first anonymous love note scribbled in lip liner and snuck into a greasy shirt breast poket left lying around the kitchen. It read: the scent of this shirt makes me wanna Fuck!”

Changes

•2017/04/20 • Comments Off on Changes

Nothing changes
If everything remains the same,
Which my brain must always be assuming
It’s goning to happen,
I realized
On the bus today

Dark

•2017/03/17 • Comments Off on Dark

Negros grow strong in the dark
Their eyes shining
Their teeth gleaming
Not being shut until
Our justice is brought to light

Time Will Tell

•2017/02/16 • Comments Off on Time Will Tell

You’ve never led me on
but you’ll never let me go
and my brain’s always running our moments
(without me asking for them)
so
I wonder if our paths will ever come to cross again
or if you’ll remain forever, just a dreamers friend?

Speaking Up 020617

•2017/02/06 • Comments Off on Speaking Up 020617

First I am a daughter

And then I am someone’s sister

And then I am someone with psychosis

And then I am someone’s teacher

And then I am a homeless drug addict

And then I write poems

I write poems for me

Hurting, I write poems so I don’t inflict pain on me

Healing, I write poems so I don’t inflict pain on others

Hoping, I write poems so I can grow strong again

Hesitantly, I write poems so I can speak strength to others

And then I get sick again

So now I’m writing a poem for you

Which I’ve really never done before

But a mind like mine makes no sense-

It can truly drive myself into internal madness

This is how it is…

I am disgusted by the one-upping, while desperately seeking likeability via conformity, too busy being important for deep human connection, the white collar world pursues

(Thus my aversion of ingesting government regulated chemicals whose aim is to keep my mind at an acceptable status-quo level of possessing)

And I am disgusted by the nonchalant parenting, beer belly growing, dirty nail showing, inappropriate volumed talking, good, ol’ boy living of the blue collar types also

(Thus my leave of absence from my marriage with my children- both under 5 years old- to Mexico, which lead to disallowment of further parental rights)

I am inspired by those that the world turns their nose up to, as they continue to pursue their own path no matter what. So long as they do it peacefully. But not those who do so to the point to create disruption in the world, because after all, isn’t there enough of that?

Yet in the same turn, I am sooo turned off by those who lack the gumption to speak up for themselves. After all, how will anything change if one doesn’t take a step in a different direction?

(That’s how I end up in the ER so much,
I have a big mouth, but I won’t raise a fist to anyone)

But I can always write poems

On the days the radio broadcasts instructions in my ear
I sit in my bed a listen to the static words and feel no fear
I don’t drive my car all night trying to solve where they say I should go
I’m better now; I can do other things like listen to the hum of my machine when I sew

Sometimes if I’m too down I won’t go outside day after day
Then I start to get paranoid and feel it’s too dangerous for me to stray
People will notice because I won’t emerge to smoke or even to eat
And I’ll have to go to the hospital wrapped in my safe blanket to even get me out in the street

It’s funny though the way my mind can react to the sun
All I want is just one day to be done with medicine
And yet have a home I can always return to, no matter what
And my mind will finally be free, so I can exist as the true me

But there always remains one little glitch in there, it’s true
That whispering… …”Why am I not like you?”

“with Psychosis” 012517

•2017/01/25 • Comments Off on “with Psychosis” 012517

Do you know who the Mental Health People are?
The ones watching us who go astray?
They can only be detected by our enlightened mind-
On those days when the radio broadcasts instructions
And I know better than to be seen by The Public.
So I travel after dark, free in the moonlight.
Do YOU know who the Mental Health People are?

Phone Call

•2016/11/17 • Comments Off on Phone Call

I get so mad over little things I have no control over but seem blatantly simple for the other person to do whatever it is I’m expecting. In your case it has always been expecting a return phone call… especially since I made a final decision about following through with my most recent commitment. Despite the conflict of feeling scared of the unknown, I must move away from selfish preferences and recent companions. For at least once in my life I so wanted not to disappear but to face you- explaining reasons, conveying remorse, lessening hurt, seeking understanding, considering another -for my need to disassociate in order to grow. (My immediate automatic fascination for learning and experiencing you and your uncommon existence has encompassed and overwhelmed me.)

Since I was a child I excised without consideration of my surroundings. I lived in exploration of tiny life details that kept my mind and body busy following the fascination at hand. Grandma and grandpa Duncan saw my intense knowledge seeking and would lead me to places, subjects, and media that most wouldn’t appreciate or take time to consider. I loved my life then. I reciprocated with newfound discoveries when I wasn’t lost in exploration.
As I grew older though, my difference in nature was pointed out by colleges as a trait undesirable. With no self publicizing whatsoever, I was still noticed and subsequently avoided. Any interaction that did occur with my peers was them mocking these differences. Well almost all, Lisa, Karen, and Sarah (especially Sarah…)were the few bold enough to befriend the new student and decided I could remain within their worlds as well. Because of these few women disapproval from others faded into the backgrounds of my awareness. (n one the less, the now quieted negative input still had the great effect on my personal acceptance like mantras repeatedly whispered into a dormant ear.)…
I went back into my early self suppressing as many external tells as I could. This internal time was not spent of discovering my present world. Now I took time to create lands and places and stories and false endings to probable experiences. Now I had the explorers joy again of new possibilities- now with the ability to conjure and direct them as I pleased. It was true and complete disassociation from the negative presence and her beings.
I have continued pursuit of all possibly anticipated negative interactions. I think I seek people who have also unpublished some traits, (indicating our likeness) I find these few live in a world self-directed and adventure-sought as I do. These men have become my new distraction of seeking knowledge. I observe then approach in a manner I have concluded will be of pleasing interest to him. Once slipped inside this newfound place, longing for a tangible human connection, is pleasantly fulfilled. Once again,I make sure none of my individualities emerge and cause possible disruption to the bliss of being seen and yet accepted/desired, causing me to dream of the forever joy I could ensure never fades. Again I analyze, observe, and act in a manner to keep up congruity and keep down disruptions.
The problem with other world creations is THEY posses the ability to conjure and direct them as they please. This creates conflict my calculated path to forever joy. I am now one of the two here (despite my sneaking access into your land) justify and assume my equal directors voice. Eventually this conflict -busy efforts to retain self and others’ desires simultaneously- causes such deep mindful dismay and physical exhaustion I turn to my self with the bottom line- You cannot direct another world and you cannot exist disassociated from self. (Flee quickly and quietly back to Homebase for recovery…. there I recollect the initial lesson-
COMBINE individual seeking and shared discoveries to create the greatest joy.

I have recently accepted the following:
I exist neutrally without pursuit of or adventures in other lands.
Existing out loud with acceptance is possible. (circa Duncans)
Tangible Existence(REALITY):
considering and including BOTH internal and external influence and experiences.
Directions to Homebase aren’t predetermined but your path is being watched over.
Forced effort recoils yet necessary effort builds
Tangible Existence is already conjured yet the ability to self-direct remains.

working conclusion: ongoing discovery will be required for ongoing existence.

Still learning to accept that “perseverance ensues” despite facts that:
Data is infinite (and therefore)
initial conclusions are not concrete (resulting in)

no teachers edition available for discovery
.

Cowboy 081916

•2016/08/19 • Comments Off on Cowboy 081916

I met a man once

who’s been rollin’ smokes since the age of nine.

Growin’ his hair out

for some charity, rusted brown, wavy, fine.

 

He worked

in the bowels of the oldest theatre in town.

All absurd requests

queries for aide, he could never turn down.

 

Seldom spoken

but built-up real loud, tall, and sculpted lean.

Boy scout soul

could narrow eyes dimming a face most fiercest mean.

 

And any mention

of heart, soul, lasting lover, he grows busy – divert.

Backdoor patrons

once called upon Cowboy but I, I knew him as Calvert.

Neverland Now 071216

•2016/07/12 • Comments Off on Neverland Now 071216

People will do things with animals

               domesticate the wild, for safe captivity

               train, toil and slave, for assured loyalty

then say

               Hey, come look what I got, no stop first- pay me.

               OK, thank you, now you can see

               all these wonderful things in my make-believe reality

Peter Pan’s of the world- here are the lost boys of our animal kingdom  (and we are all the Wendy’s)

The Wendy’s do not tell the animals bedtime stories though

because they are too busy bragging to the neighbors

about the amount of pixie dust on their oversized strollers

There are signed rules for the paths of this Neverland,

               and Captain Hook is too distracted by the click-clocking

               of the train that follows him around and around

               screaming children, biting bugs, searing ground

There is no time to find Peter

               and his ship disappeared years before

               bulldozers found this island of trees

               putting a fence around it- must pay to see

 

Peter Pan- here are all the lost kin of our animal kingdom (but where are all the Wendy’s)

Peter only comes to visit the aviary when Tink is tired needing to rest

and fluff her crested-red ‘do, then they’re off again and I too,

since they built a road for all to come to Neverland and renamed it The Zoo

Inquiry 071216

•2016/07/12 • Comments Off on Inquiry 071216

I went to the zoo today

to sit in the plains

with the ‘roos today

and found myself lighting away

from that serenity

to the aviary

lightly, flightly

to that space beneath the shade tree…

I digress

I meant to ask you a quest-

tion

frien’…

to be so high, so free

flipped up-side-down

so low, no sound

yet never drown?!

What be thee?

RAD-JAH!

 

(but people only picture the parrot)

Hello 062516

•2016/06/25 • Comments Off on Hello 062516

beautiful, exquisite, long lines drawn

limbs trailing off from a neck’s

de’clagle so delicate the bones of the collar look as if to

light to wings

wide spread

dark feathers

but instead

just arms tanned and tawny from the prematurely-hot July son

the darkness

of feathers flutter

just above a

rosy’d cheekbone

arching and dipping and outlining two bight, shiny colored worlds

ever blinking

ever thinking

ever watchful

ever and ever

deeper and deeper below a golden crown

silky strings flipped over and falling down

sides of ear tops, small, curved, pinky orange apricot slices

I imagine

nuzzle-able

fuzz tickles

pecking kisses

alas, I exhale again, meeting her gaze directly, intently, soft and smile

Sam…

-hello.

You Got Me? 061616

•2016/06/16 • Comments Off on You Got Me? 061616

She’s got me.
-like no one else has ever got me?

Yea babe, this love is true because when he says he got me,
-He don’t do temporary.
or whenever You choose

Like you chose and closed the doors right behind my back
-and right in front of my face too!
You-

Cannot face reality? Face this
You were only temporary
-You got me?!

p.s. when you’re done taking from The Giving Tree, you can come sit on this stump beside me.

Hello from the other side

•2016/06/15 • Comments Off on Hello from the other side

I think I must’ve called over half a dozen times
‘cuz you wrote, “loose this number”
but not to say I’m sorry for everything or breaking your heart or some other silly Adelle line…
I was just trying to say NMW
“You can do this” (“he can do it all night long!”)
Sorry, Adam Sandler, Waterboy reference, but I digress….
Seriously though,
what are you doing out there
………………….why?
………………….why-stop.
………………….stop thinking about him

………………………it doesn’t fucking matter Gez…
and I wander off, as his voice trials off
into the trails that lead into my brain
as I think, and not think, then think about him again.
But just for a moment, just for today
i wanted to tell you
why are you acting that way
…………………………………………….what fucking way,
…………………………………………….what are you talking about, Crazy Lady
…………………………………………….Lose my number,
…………………………………………….how many times do I have to say it already
…………………………………………….supid bitch
…………………………………………….wanna suck my dick
your di-
-i digress though, what was I saying
oh yea…
“you can do it
one day at a time though
and just for today”
and the moment is passed
and the song is over
and I catch a corner-eye-snippet of my passenger floorboard
a sleeping Calvert memory-mind-snapshot of 5pm yesterday-
7am today
I smile.
A kiss to say good bye
A smile because
his mustache tickles….
“Hello,
I just called to say
how is you day going dear…”
………………….(no answer)
………………….nevermind, he’s sleeping
see you tonight dear,
………………….(Hello. Yes, I’m home. Yes, I’m coming. I know. ok. k. k… yep. bye.)

Technology

•2016/06/01 • Comments Off on Technology
To all the technology buffs and brain labratorians,we salute you.
Meanwhile, my padna,
I will be slayin the evolutional dilemma of life,
jus’ sitting out here in the garage
stooped over a ’70’s Malibu
and staring up at the sky
a l  l
d a y
l o n g
f e e l i n g    j u s ‘   f in e

Loving Me

•2016/06/01 • Comments Off on Loving Me

I had to let her love me for a long time
before
I was secure enough to ask her to love me
outloud
and not be hidden behind quietly smooshed face
hugs &
deep bellied laughter rolling over tops of
coffee cups

I love you, Sister &
…..I thank you, sister

for loving me
…..so therefore, We’ve learned about
………………………………loving me…

before
…..outloud
……….hugs and
……………coffee cups

Sister,
…..sister
……….loving me

before we learned about
Loving Me

And then the train came

•2016/05/23 • Comments Off on And then the train came

Made it to the river Monday
……….. today
………………this week
first time I’ve been back since
the first week I came back was with
River
……..man
……………..and you have to be careful
………………………and quiet
……………………..at 10 p.m.
……………………on the river
so a boogeyman don’t grab you
………………………………rape you
………………………………eat you
or lest you fall,
…………………(I must admit I was rather nervous)

then the train came

and it washed
And shook the Earth
and made the mudslide
beneath the water
till it churned
a big SLAP
S p l a s h
raindr.p
wet
on my foot but my ass did not shift on
the
con
crete
stairs
where
my whole body does when I stand on the bridge

when the train comes

then I wasn’t scared of that old bogeyman no more
and
the Train rumbled on
away with my fear
and all is quiet
again
(Crept the earth of course
………………………………for night is her time to speak)

Gittin jiggy widdit

•2016/05/18 • Comments Off on Gittin jiggy widdit

My va-gy-gy ain’t so fly for a white guy
Tonight bae
But jus wait ’till tomoro, Joe
An’ I’ll be good ta go, yo!

Z’aight

•2016/05/18 • Comments Off on Z’aight

I sold my first book
Tonight. Ain’t that alllright.
Time for bed, Z. ‘Night

To SkyDreamer from LostWidow

•2016/05/17 • Comments Off on To SkyDreamer from LostWidow

See below, I knew “me” you know
Before I knew I knew you
And you found your LostWidow,
Old soul…
We’ll find each other
Always
Love Me, Dreamer

When I don’t hear T

•2016/05/15 • Comments Off on When I don’t hear T

I want you to know I do better when I don’t hear
What I hear from the rumor mill
That Mills my head into the ground meat
And I think about the meet
I set up for us
If us is even a word for you and I
Because you
know he just departed and had to get home
Home on the range isn’t high
hi.
and how are you doing
I’m Doing just fine
but my life is a mess
I miss you
But they’re not gonna tell you
because you are still killing yourself
And when I tried to stop you
From killing yourself
I end up killing myself
Just a little bit more
And today all I could think of was
getting just a little bit more
Just one more time
But for what
And where would it lead
But to a rumor mill about me
And I won’t do that to your mind
If you don’t mind
I’ll just leave
Wait I did that already
Why are you still here
Here I Go Again
Thoughts of you again
Of why I did to you
What I do to you and
You live in my head
And die in your life
But if I just ignore this strife
I can only wish for your fist
But if I stay alive to the world
I’ll let all those thoughts twirl
Down to my toes
and I forget about them
Until I take my shoes off again

awakened

•2016/03/13 • Comments Off on awakened

There come and go moments, some say, that life changes by contrast as sharp as black to white- no grey. And most proceed along guessing only in retrospect the moment starter to which each now belongs.I never have been afforded an awareness to cause reason to pause or reflect in retrospect or what may exist beyond the now.
For I have the grey type that continues on and on- never solving, or concluding, or ceasing one thought before the next has sped up the previous’ and so I ignore the truthseeker more often than not because my response is- I fail if I can not correctly solve the whole lot.But some days I listen in and travel all the beautiful roads that twine through Nature’s perfectly tangled chaos of one wonder to its fascinating next.I don’t mind this privately assigned dimension of life… which- like all types of existence- has its positives along possibilities of strife.

at any rate- the purpose of recording this moment is because, for the first time when returning to common world from my personal one, (Call it Truth only because its evidence tangible or believed to exist – by every being) it did not rise up so quickly forcing It’s violent realities into the gentle play yard I was returning home from.Yet still I cried passionately as I ever had. Not from a negative, resentful, saddened longing to have to participate in common life again- but the tears rolled down my cheeks snowballing into rivers full of the knowledge that my secret serenity I save away in that tumbling, bumbling, blurred mass of confused, questioning, and fearful grey matter- wasn’t merely a fantasyland of folllied hope dreams and fairy-tailed wishee . Indeed I have been stealing away to this private island for so long, enjoying it so much, I had no desire to tarry. Yet, somehow… this morning my sobbing shook my body so much that I was moved into a line of sight I never dared exist in common-land.

I open my eyes today and there viewed the cornerstone, my favorite tree, that safe emotion of earnestness and a few of my most enjoyed birds in front of me.
Not conjured, mistaken or sought after but finally noticed- for you see it must be like this: imagined-land imagery is my gift from our creator to sustain me long enough to endure the journey long enough to allow my eyes to see beyond the colored shell of this lump of clay’s bisquing process. My glaze has just begun to clarify enough that I see the common-land holds all my presumably fanitisy items here in this world- shared by you and me. And Guess what? this knowledge is so now inherently true that the shaking sobs of transitions vaporize into a big bellied laughter of freedoms.
Zen

p.s. spirit animals know the names of their human and mimic it often.
How splendid is the truth of knowing us each by name, every single one.

Broughten bouquet

•2016/03/06 • Comments Off on Broughten bouquet

Midland Matt brought a bouquet of flowers in with him when he arrived at my place last night. Saying only “These are from work.” leaves me wondering- did he bring it specifically for me? Ever internal and nonchalant with intentions I dared not ask. Instead I showcased them proudly in the center of the room. I decided I could be elated simply by this beautiful object.

Years ago I had a man who would bring home all sorts of leftover trinkets from work. He comes in the door so excited to give away a rescued trinket. Saying entirely how this had occurred, I KNEW it was specifically intended for me. Proudly, I kept each piece safely stowed away. I realized I was elated simply by this recurring action.

he says, she says…

•2016/02/22 • Comments Off on he says, she says…

He says I need to practice me patience.
Do you know how many days I’ve gone to bed wondering if this will be the night you fall asleep by my side- “just wait,” “in a bit,” “babe, one of my friends are outside.”
She says I need to pick my battles.
Do you know how many weeks I haven’t spoken up to draw the line with my staff for fear of loosing my likability- “…but wait,” wait a minute,” “we have to run this by the big boss first.”

 
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