Today

my mind has been full and swimming with thoughts that i cannot suppress. I picked up an old book today. one i had started in a former life, tried to get into and just couldn’t but would read anyways. just read, prolonging the daily drinking by a few hours in the afternoon, after getting off work on a Sunday when the  kids had long since gone home it seemed and the air was empty. And then I would try n read it drunk too, hoping, then perhaps it would hold my interest a bit better, but it had not. Now though, i cannot put it down. It consumes me and I am at work. but before i picked it up today I had picked up another book, rescued from this former life, in an old garage of an ex’s, holding remains of what i thought might’ve been. A Max Lucado, entitled “Grace for the Moment,” dated for today Sept 24th, but i cannot  remember the passage… i will write it here shortly though, but for now i must return to work…

Sept 24th Arms of God
“everyone who lives and believes in me will not die” Jn 11:26 .
..When it is cold on earth, we can take comfort in
knowing that our loved ones are in the warm arms of God.
And when Christ comes, we will hold them, too.

I dont know what it is about my brain lately but it will not let me sleep. I’ve been thinking a lot about Casey, guess it is 29 days the the anniversary, still I dont know. I think i tried to fall in love with a boy because of his voice, though i did not realize until I listened to a voice memo I saved the week he died. I listened to it today… hey, this is Casey, my phones been messin up, so leave your message and i’ll get a hold of you a-sap, thanks- bye thats it, just 15 seconds of live proof that he existed. I thought about how deep he voice is and like nick’s.
i loved talking to him on the phone when he was at work during the day,
lyin my head on his chest to hear stories as i fell to sleep in the early mornings,
pressing my ear to his heart while we smoked on the porch late at night.
and i cry a little
when i think of his freckles
or his belly
or the brand new tatoos he just got

his soft hair….

sometimes i question myself, like so many others did… did i really love him, truthfully?
but then i already know the answer i loved him like an addict loves anything, hard and fast and undeniably. with more emotion and want and need of breath or water or life, unconditionally and without end, even if it kills me, but yet all the while with bulletproof wings of happiness and fantasy fairytale land and protection of the fire-breathing dragon. Overly accepting as if God himself where the object of my heart and the only things my eyes saw in the direct, perefrial, or sub-conscious even.
And if it were me and not he, i would have died just as easily just as willing and just as expectantly, yet ever unwavering from my course in life, or want to…
the answer is yes.

and then i think about whet my PO said today… so what is it you like best I wanted to say casey
and then i think about what my mom said today… so be careful in that house… tonia… so close to kyle… could lead to… problems… careful and i wanted to remind her, casey
and then i think about what my BIL said today… i don’t know when i’ll get up there… and i wanted to call on casey

I almost went to his grave last sunday. I even dug for an hour thru books in an ex’s garage trying to find an old library check-out to dbl-justify my reasoning to travel north to see him, but still i could not. but many people have died in this story i read, and i cried a little, 3 times actually, even at work, and i have set up his chair on kyles back porch for mr to do my afternoon reading in again, but wouldn’t ya know- it rained before i even got a chance to sit in it today. There was a 40% chance- only yesterday, and it was sunny 2 days before and 1 day after so far… but i still read it.

i read like 150 some pages today, and you know what?

i like it now

and i love my husband

and butterfly wings aren’t bulletproof in real life

~ by lostwidow on 2008/09/24.