how

do i keep picking up this same bullshit just as fas tas i can t5hrow it out

i hate crying

i do not want to miss him

i do not want to have to

i dont care if it sounds selfish

i live with my in laws

and cant even match a shrt to pants some days

i told tonia how stupid i was for that

i remember him telling me i HAD to pick out an outfit

then showing me a better choice

how he picked out exactly what kida of dress i was looking for last october, even though i couldnt explain what i wanted and how i dont even have it anymore

i just want to put my arms around his belly, after he fallen asleep as so not to disturb him, yet be as secretly close to him as possible

i want to see his evil grin and wild eyes and touseled hair and sweating brow

i want to see his doe look as he scoops up his son in big warn arms and

how that let-over love  spilled onto my kids

and how james would be so proud just to hold his hand and parade him around the schoolyard

i want to see him helping kyle do something

or bitching at kevan for not

planning a trip to kellys

or feeding codys kids

just to see him walk by somewhere far off in the distance and know it was him

even if we couldnt speak

even if we couldnt touch

just to know he still exsisted…

is that too damn much to ask?!!!!

I hate this fucking shit

and all i dont have

and i know i do have so much but

i dont give a damn

i want whats not here

isnt that always the way it is though?

except once

once i met him

and found i could be his

i was happy

really

deeply

honestly completely

and life was good

there was no limits, boundaires, rules, financial strain, moral conflict, man vs man or man vs god or man vs earth… we just exsisted

and so did love

and it wasnt real-life

but it was reality

and i want it all back

and i really dont think anyone can make that magic like casey did

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ by lostwidow on 2008/09/25.