did i really love him?
Swimming out from the depths of my own distruction, I was not able to save him, even by surrendering all sense of self, matireal and emotional… but i will not anymore, and I told him too…
sadly this time I think the letting go of the chemicals will be more difficult than the letting go of the man… and I had such high expectations for him too… even for a possible “us” and truely thought I was being realistic… oh he played the game well for a bit… maybe he is a better hustler than I give him credit for, but then again, he let his game show….
Casey had more then just me convinced that I was his leading lady, an diddint forget about that for a sec… Sure I knew in the back of my mind no man could really be that enamored with one woman…. not in reality, but then again I didn’t have to live in reality with him…
maybe that is where my dissapointment lies in more than I realize… maybe this one I expected to get a better run out of, better sex from, better high and more constant… but none of these prevailed… perhaps this man didn’t let me down at all, but rather my expectations…. could my junky self really be working this hard in the background?
I call it my demons… I think they’ve always been there… since I was small even, like a spiritual flaw I inherited from my father’s gene… but then again, my mother always said God wouldn’t give such challenges to people who wern’t worthy of being conditioned to be in His holy army…
admittedly, I never liked this explinations and the implications it makes about God, but I did hear a differant verson of this notion the other day… something like, the devil does not want to turn the weak and easily suaded… those are easy to get on his side, and ya know what they say about easy… no, satan wants to turn those that are strong fighters, filled souls, deep hearted… imagine if he had an army of evil spreading fighters like that on his team….
i have more, but must check on job listings, this is the real world after all
Lost Widow Words © 