Torn

Side note- I just had to teach my ph the word torn!? Lol what’s wrong wicha?! Anyhew…

What am I doing? I love doing everything for him and all the attention and talk and sex he gives me… he’s not violent and he pays the bills while telli g me I’m beautiful everyday… somehow i feel farher away from happiness than I once was…. although I need to b physically next to him to b okay… obsession is not my fortay… and I’m drinking again so I think I should blame all these emotions on myself… he told me last night I’m confused and divided… I told him he was right about being divided but I know what I want… he never asked me what that was, perhaps he assumed I,d say something desperatly hopeless as “him” but the real answer is 3-fold… peace, love, money.

Peace of mind, reciprocated love, enough money… the last two I kno I don’t have w/o my man but the first… in the beginning it felt like I had more w him now I feel like I’m backwards, moving that way w the peace of mind thing… is it jus me and my differant perspective and actions today or is it everything to do with him? We made 2 commitments to each other in the last two months : make the best of each day no matter what for the next 12 months then we stay or go our own seperate ways… we get in n get out of everything together, always – ride, die, fly.

Suck it up, decide I’m fine and happy, quit worrying, don’t pick, go to work, eat something, I’m good. Right?

~ by lostwidow on 2012/08/27.