Dear Todd
You’ve asked me to write you a letter sometime. To tell you all of my secrects, I supose. You’ve asked me what was the addresss of my blog n did u want you to really read it. You ask me these things when u are buzzed and ur eyes are sparkling and your heart feels full. I just wonder if you’ll read my words when your heart I hard and your mind is angry and I don’t know what to do about it. Yea yea I kno, “don’t lie” Well I cannot change what I’ve done or who I am or pull down walls I have been building against the world and mankind since I been 8 years old. If you want me as I am, this is it. I’m not always forthcoming about my past. I tell pieces and gauge responses then I tell a little more and later a little more and so on. Sometimes i tell a piece then never share again because in whatever kind of way I was not accepted. Sometimes I cry. I started trying to let myself cry again after Casey died but it has been difficult. I think I kinda took on the devotion not to cry the day my dad died and every adult I knew was falling apart. I’ve told you I’ve cried to my mother once, when my first boyfriend got shipped baxk to his aunties in Chicago when I was like in 10th grade. Anoher time I was having coffee w Tara 2 summers ago and kinda lost it at Broadway cafe. Then there was the other night w you but I’m sure that reallly didn’t happen, right!? Lol.
oh my dear todd, what am I going to do with me. It will take me years to undo all I have become n yet I feel I’ve come around to being open with you so much faster than I ever have anyone else since I fell for Shane at the smart young age of 19. Ah, there really are so many things I want to share, and I’ve felt this compulsion since that day at the river but how can I say the things I’ve been too afraid to hear outloud about myself? Then of course there’s this whole protection, he’s fragile, he has his own worry, its not fair to him for me to put more on him thing I’ve also concerned myself with since I’ve met you. I meann for christssakes, I am falling in lust w a man w an estranged wife, 3 kids and a criminal record! * sigh, time to go to work, more later.
Lost Widow Words © 