Honesty

Why do you always want to ask me about the past. Why do you always want to say that I don’t tell you everything because I’m a liar? Why do you want to know things that I don’t even try to Remember myself. Or even know that if I did I would remember them correctly. Why do you want to know about the person that I don’t want to be.  that I never wanted to be.  that I was stuck in, lost in, for so many years. If you want to know me, if you want to learn me, then u need to look at me now. talk to me now.  grow with me now.  you need to ask me about when I was a child. When I was a adolescent. When I was a young adult. Need to ask me about my emotions then. my heart then. my hobbies, my interests, my loves, my passions then. That is the closest person to who I am.  to who is really me.  not all the things that you question and worry and fear about from the past. Well from the past 10 years. I have 24 years before that time and I have 45 days since. That is who I am. that is who I am growing up from. that is who I am getting back to. I want you to go with that person. And I want you to be that person that goes with me. Different because I choose to do this sober with you. different because I choose to share my emotions with you. different because I actually do say things out loud. Different because I remember being honest with you is safe. different because I think you do these things with me too.  different because I think you choose to do it sober with me now. different because you are back into getting who you use to be. Who we were afraid to be.  who the reason why we used but it’s okay now to be. That’s what I’m doing moving and today looking at today.  hoping for the future.  gratitude.  love.  happiness.  sparkling eyes. warm heart. no fear. Please don’t ask me to tell you about the things I don’t even try to remember and expect that it’ll all come out right. Please don’t ask me to share with you the person that I am NOT, that I was forced to be when I chose to use. The darkness that doesn’t need to be relived. Know me now and love me for who I am. because that is the person that loves you. that is the person who wants to be with you. that is the person that is doing something different with and because of you and despite the fear. Every step I’m terrified of doing this the way I’m doing this. feeling all of this. going through all of this. but with you I always feel it’s easier. I feel its possible. I feel like I can do it and I want to. I don’t feel like this without you. that is my reality today. that is part of who I am. you. This is it. me. here. honestly. reality. in front of your face. Take me and keep me and love me for that. don’t worry about things that aren’t truly me. it’s gone. it’s over. it’s done. I love you my dear heart. And God will bless us and show you in time but for now let’s just enjoy this love we have. Let’s not fret over things done and unable to be undone and not truly who we are. I don’t ask you to share your demons. I don’t want to know your demon. I want to know true you and so know that this is me. That is all.  good night.

~ by lostwidow on 2013/02/20.